The Freedom to Be Who We Are: When Agency Becomes Personal

Agency for a person can feel like the opportunity to be fully who they are without expectations or perceptions about who they should be, where they should be in their lives, or what their bodies should be capable of doing or handling.

The opportunity to choose what feels safe, supportive, and aligned with who they are today.

Not necessarily who they were ten years ago.

Not who someone else remembers them being.

And not who they once believed they needed to become.

Yet how do we recognize what truly supports us if we've become accustomed to adapting to the environments, relationships, and expectations around us?

When Personal Space Feels Different to Everyone

During my years working at an international business school, one of the topics often discussed was how personal space could be experienced differently across cultures and countries.

What one person experienced as a comfortable distance could feel overwhelmingly close or intense to another.

I had experienced something similar years earlier while working at another college, although in a different way.

Our department was temporarily moved from a well-lit office space with individual offices, large windows, natural light, and approximately six feet between desks in the shared area.

The temporary location was in a classroom building.

There were no windows, no individual offices, and the desks were positioned approximately two to three feet apart.

Everything felt pushed together and suppressed.

What was supposed to be a couple of weeks became a couple of months.

I remember how closed in and tight the environment felt. Almost claustrophobic.

And I noticed the effect it seemed to have on the energy of the office.

The people hadn't necessarily changed. The work hadn't necessarily changed. But the environment had changed, and with it, the way we experienced being together.

There was less physical space, less natural light, and fewer opportunities to create distance when we needed it.

What one person needed to feel comfortable could be very different from what another needed.

Looking back, I recognize how much those experiences offered me about personal space, environmental support, and honoring individual needs.

Sometimes, what we're feeling isn't necessarily about the people around us or the work we're doing.

Sometimes, the environment itself is contributing to how we're experiencing our day.

Recognizing What Support Feels Like

Often, to become aware of what safety feels like within our individual nervous system, we first need to recognize the feeling of being filled up or supported.

If we haven't experienced that feeling, it can be difficult to distinguish which places, relationships, and experiences are supportive rather than draining.

We may become so accustomed to adapting, accommodating, or meeting expectations that we don't recognize how much energy we're using simply to move through everyday life.

And sometimes, receiving support feels less familiar than offering it.

We may know that rest is important while still feeling we should be doing something productive.

We may recognize the value of companionship while having become accustomed to spending much of our time alone.

Or we may understand the importance of asking for help while continuing to carry responsibilities ourselves because that's what we've always done.

Sometimes we need to experience support before we can recognize how much of it we've been missing.

When Something Different Becomes Possible

Sometimes, it takes stepping fully outside an environment, a role, or a way of being for that level of information to make itself seen, heard, and felt.

It doesn't necessarily mean the previous environment, relationship, or choice was wrong.

It may have been exactly what supported us during that particular chapter of our lives.

But we change.

Our bodies change.

Our needs, priorities, relationships, and understanding of ourselves evolve.

What once felt comfortable or familiar may no longer feel supportive in the same way.

And sometimes, experiencing something different allows us to recognize possibilities we hadn't previously considered.

Perhaps we discover that sharing responsibilities feels nourishing.

That having companionship throughout the day makes a difference.

That our bodies respond differently when we have more space, natural light, or opportunities to rest.

Or that we don't have to carry every aspect of our lives alone.

These experiences offer information. They don't necessarily require immediate action.

Agency Is Also Meeting Ourselves Where We Are

Agency doesn't always mean we can immediately see or act upon every choice available to us.

Sometimes we're so immersed in an environment, relationship, or situation that everything feels cloudy or overwhelming.

Much like being in the middle of a storm, we may feel everything being stirred up around us without being able to clearly see our way through it.

We may not have the emotional or energetic capacity to stay and participate differently, even when we recognize that possibility exists.

Sometimes we need to create distance, step outside the experience, or receive additional support before we can begin to see and feel things differently.

And sometimes, that distance is the choice that supports us most in that moment.

As the storm begins to settle, we may discover that what once felt overwhelming looks different from where we now stand.

Not necessarily because the situation itself has changed, but because we have more space, support, and capacity to experience it differently.

Agency is not only about having choices. It's also about honoring where we are in our ability to recognize and make them.

We don't have to judge ourselves for what we couldn't see, feel, or do when we were in the middle of the storm.

We can meet ourselves where we are, with the same curiosity, compassion, and respect we would offer another being.

And allow the next choice to become clearer when we're ready.